BTW, my dad has BC

I've been spending a lot of time texting and emailing my friends and family members lately. I still have to re-read my drafts because it's unbelievable to me that the words brain cancer have been included in the messages.

One note to a former co-worker turned very good friend was, 'Yes, you read that correctly. My dad has brain cancer.' It still is a foreign concept to my brain, as I try to process this whole thing. It seems impersonal to text or email about such a serious subject, but when the hospital server blocked my laptop connection and delayed emails from my smart phone, texts were the way to go. Plus, it's a lot easier than the prospect of a telephone call with a close friend... where you know that the sound of their voice is going to cause you to completely loose control and bring on infinite water works. To prevent the sobbing I conducted most of my family crisis communications via text. Probably partly protecting myself from breaking down... and delaying the in-person conversations where I had to say the words out loud: my dad has brain cancer.

People ask me how I'm doing... I have my moments. Usually alone or when it's just my husband and I. The strangest things will make me break out into uncontrollable sobs. Often times it's thinking about he and my oldest son and how so very close they are. About memories had and memories yet to be made with my dad and my kids, his grandchildren. Or sometimes if I'm just looking into my boys' innocent little faces.

I remember hearing myself say, It's not fair...' My husband knows this, his brother and mother have gone through this and conquered this terrible disease. Hodgkin's and Lymphoma. Such ugly words, befitting of an ugly disease. As much of a support-system that my husband has been, he's having a rough time, too. He and my dad have become very close over the years. Plus, all of this is just complete non-sense. What none of us can understand is how a perfectly healthy (and I mean perfect) 55 year-old with no prior history, symptoms or indications that anything was going on... can up and have brain cancer one day. How and why does that happen?

My dad is the epitome of health. He worked construction for 30 years and after recently retiring, didn't slow down all that much. He had a bevy of projects on his to-do list at home and at his hunting property during any given week, helped family members and friends with home improvement projects, exercised regularly, ate right and of course, chased his grandchildren around as much as possible.

It is not fair. I'll keep repeating that because although I don't think I am in denial, I just haven't completely processed what is happening.

He had a craniotomy last Friday, where they attempted to map his brain activity and determine how the Cancer is affecting specific areas of the brain. They took two small biopsies and we'll know for certain this week what sub-type of Glioma it is... and the recommendation for treatment. I'm ignoring the thoughts like bumper cars in my head... about what this conversation will be like... if it will feel like I'm not really there, but looking down on myself in the moment.

Due to the surgery, it's taking a while for my dad to get back to normal. His language skills are slowly getting there and his memory is coming back in precious bits and pieces. He is so strong, stronger than all of us, I think... that he's almost annoyed that we are doting on him so much. He's taunting my mom and sister, I hear, about meal time... apparently one of the medications has elevated his appetite back to his teenage days. This is how I know that he is doing well.

I'll also continue to keep this guarded but positive outlook because really, what else can you do but think that everything will be okay? I can't drive myself crazy... it's too easy to go there and it's taken everything I have to keep it together. I am so very thankful for such amazing family, friends and co-workers that have been holding me up with warm thoughts and prayers over the last three weeks. It's working.

My boys got to see their Papa yesterday and it was a wonderful visit. They are incredible, those two little guys. Noah stared for a moment and then just like that, he was over it and sat in my dad's lap like any other day. Rowan reached for his Papa to pick him up at least a half a dozen times and did not seem bothered by the new hairdo. Seeing all of this was exactly the medicine everyone needed yesterday.