What Cancer Has Done for Me

Writer's block is annoying. Like your kid sister on vacation poking you in the arm for 20 hours in the backseat annoying. (We get along now; she'll snicker about this however).

I like to put my thoughts to paper... or web. But lately, I have not had an ounce of motivation to pontificate. I've read three books (hardback and Kindle) since November... it's been fun and interesting and has kept my mind company... and there's Real Housewives which is always good for a quick dose of diva. But, it's not the same. I wanted to write, but there was this heavy weight dragging my creativity down... stress that always zaps the juices right out of me.

It's probably because the only thing I seemed to want to talk about over the last few months was depressing, ridiculous, unjust, ugly freaking Cancer. And who wants to hear more about Cancer? I don't want to write about Cancer, and yet, here I am writing about not wanting to write about Cancer. Damn you sneaky Cancer!

Cancer has made me angry, jealous, frustrated, but also fascinated, fearful and appreciative. (And apparently foul-mouthed). People talk about the stages of grief and I don't think I've quite gotten through the anger stage yet, but those same people tell me that I won't realize it until it's over. I'm pretty damned grouchy now and I'm not even PMS-ing. I'm sure my husband would just say that it's a regular old day. Poor thing - he's been so wonderful throughout this whole entire vat of shit that we've been dealing with. I think I'll keep him.

I'm jealous of people who still have their dads. I don't hate you, I'm just envious of your precious gift.

I'm frustrated because my dad was so frustrated at the end and couldn't tell us what he was so trying to get out... and I'm frustrated with myself for not spending more time with him.

I'm fascinated by the magnitude of Glioblastoma and fearful of every stinking thing any researcher has ever said to be careful of to prevent Cancer. Paranoia has set in regarding (and I will probably leave out some stuff): hot dogs, heating up food in plastic, cell phones around my kids, tap water, headaches, that weird Playdough smell - it's just not right, ok?

I'm appreciative of the time that I have left on this Earth to spend with family and friends more than ever. The cliche saying that life is too short... it's painfully true. Kiss and hug your kids, your parents, your siblings, your spouse and extended family. Call your friends. You just  never know. Cancer did this to me. It made me a freaking crazy, paranoid, grouchy person. Way to be such a co-dependent passive-aggressive, Cancer. 

On my drive in this morning I was listening the the Children's Hospital Have-a-Heart Do-Your-Part Radiothon on WKDD (double-pledge day all day, btw!) and they played a spot with a nine-year old who was in for his second round of treatment for brain cancer. Then I just discovered, through a blogger friend, a site called Momastery. The recent post is about a mom of 8 (I SAID EIGHT), ages to 18 who has stage four Pancreatic Cancer. What a group called the Monkees did for this family would make Donald Trump bawl his toupeed head off.

I've been teary on and off all day. I had to turn the station this morning and I had to stop reading the blog post. Ok, God. I get it. Other people are going through incredibly awful things as well. Now it's my turn to do something good.

On May 12th I'll be heading to Chicago with family and friends to participate in the Annual Breakthrough for Brain Tumors 5K Run/Walk. I'm going to show Cancer what I think of it that day. And it can kiss my butt.